When I Was a Kid I Believed…

Kids are wonderfully imaginative, intelligent, creative little creatures who have a tendency to amaze you at every twist and turn. They also, on occasion, can be dumb as stumps. Kids will often go from doing something quite smart and skillful, to doing or saying something that can only elicit a shake of the head and a, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

And I’m not picking on my daughter this time. This one is all on me.

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Behold the face of childish ignorance.

When I was a kid I believed that…

…if I held my legs together as tight as I could for long enough, the need to go pee would magically go away.

…if I peeled too much skin (I had a creepy obsession with peeling sunburnt skin, or the edges of cuts and scraps), I would dig right through to the bone.

…the lyrics to “I Saw Her Standing There” were actually “I’d never dance with a number“. Lord knows what I thought that was supposed to mean.

…if you ever took your wedding ring off for any reason, it meant that you were no longer married.

…when people told me how much I looked like my father they were being horribly mean because they were saying that I looked like a man.

…if you threw away any perishable gift (like flowers) you were ungrateful and unappreciative. I had slight hoarder tendencies as a kid…and as an adult.

…tattoos were applied by dipping a needle (like a sewing needle) in ink and pricking the skin one dot of color at a time.

…you couldn’t think of a relative as being attractive because it was creepy and wrong.

…there was absolutely nothing wrong at all with eating Mr Noodles for lunch every single day.

…if you filled the tub past the overflow all the extra water poured down into the bathroom wall.

…fish in any form other than rectangular breaded sticks was absolutely disgusting.

…spaghetti, ravioli, macaroni, and rigatoni was all amazing, but lasagna was gross.

…my house was haunted by the ghosts of previous owners, despite the fact that the only other owners the house had ever had were very much alive.

…my next-door neighbors were the “Smileys” (their last name was Smalley).

…there were ancient secret compartments and tunnels hidden in my house (which was less than three decades old, by the way).

…becoming whatever you wanted to be when you grew up was as simple as deciding what you wanted to be and being it.

What about you? What crazy, silly, and downright foolish things did you believe when you were a kid?

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