Fiction Fragment Fridays: Nowhere to Hide

FFF

Although I finally have a bit more of my Final Fantasy novelization written, I’ve decided to hold on to it for a little while longer so that I can build up a little bit of a back log. Instead, today I thought I would share a scene from my (hopefully) upcoming zombie apocalypse novel, Nowhere to Hide. I’m hoping that sharing a piece of my manuscript with the world will help motivate me to finish up that last round of edits that need to be finished before publication.

This short excerpt is from the end of the first chapter of the story. By this point there has already been one well-publicized attack, but no one yet knows that the doctors involved in the postmortem investigation found some pretty disturbing details. Our main character, Nancy, and her best friend Terri-Lynn, just want an ice cream from the local Dairy Queen when they happen to stumble across attack number two…enjoy!


 

Nancy thought she heard something – a whimper, perhaps – from back behind the kitchen. After considering for a moment she lifted a leg and began to slide herself across the counter.

“What are you doing?” Terri-Lynn hissed.

“Shh!” Nancy shot back with a finger to her mouth. “I’ll be right back.”

Walking through the abandoned kitchen was strange and surreal. The fryers were still running, the fries in the bottom of the baskets burned black as coal. A burger was in the heating tray, waiting for the rest of the meal that would accompany it. A mop was propped up against the wall, having been slid across the floor between late-night orders.

The whimpering sound was coming from a broom closet. Nancy turned the handle slowly, paused for a second to take a breath, and then pulled the door open. A young girl, maybe sixteen or seventeen, was sitting on the floor. She had her back pressed up against the far wall of the closet, as far back as she could make herself go, and she was sobbing into her hands. When the door opened she looked up at Nancy with huge, glistening eyes. “Don’t hurt me!” she squeaked.

Nancy tried her best to smile a warm smile. “I’m not going to hurt you, hon,” she assured the girl. “It’s okay, I’ll help you.” She offered a hand and after a few long moments the girl removed one shaking arm and reached for it.

Nancy had enough time to process that the girl’s shoulder was bleeding through her crisp, white and blue work shirt when a shriek echoed through the store. Terri-Lynn came running toward them. Nancy stared at her with her heart in her throat and the young Dairy Queen employee shrank back into the closet. Terri-Lynn had tears brimming in her eyes and appeared to be holding back a violent gag. She tried to speak as Nancy raised her eyebrows at her, but she could only gesture frantically toward the industrial freezer in the back.

The young employee grabbed at Nancy’s hand as she began to walk toward the freezer. “I-I had to!” she sobbed miserably. “H-he attacked me! H-he bit my arm!”

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4 thoughts on “Fiction Fragment Fridays: Nowhere to Hide

  1. Nice tension, though it feels a little passive in places, especially at the beginning. I don’t know if you’re the type of person that’s open to critiques on your blog though, so ignore me if I’ve overstepped! 🙂

    • lol I have absolutely no problem with critiques, although I should be honest and say that I don’t always listen to them. 😄

      In all seriousness though, the first couple of chapters have been critiqued by a large group of people, and the entire manuscript has been beta-read, so I’m no stranger to critique. ^_^

      • That’s fine, haha. I just never know. Lol. My critiques are always just my gut reaction, and I would never make such an ass of myself as to suggest my opinion is iron law. 😛

        In any case, I wanted to keep reading, but maybe it was the length of the sentences that slowed the scene down for me.

        • I believe that if you can’t handle criticism, you shouldn’t be in writing, because even if you’re one of the best writers in the world there will always be SOME people who think you’re crap. That’s just the way of opinions. I spent quite a bit of time on Critique Circle when I was first writing this particular manuscript, and I used to find it funny how four or five people in a row would say that they loved a particular part, and then the sixth person would say that same part was utter drivel and completely ruined the story. You just can’t make everyone happy, I guess. lol

          For the record, I do know that I have a bit of a problem with long sentences. I try to get too much information out at once. It’s one of the things that lots of people have commented on. ^_~

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